So Small for a Love So Large

When I held him in my arms, he was so small. So small. I cried oh god how I cried. I asked, is there anything we can do? The doctor said, I’m sorry no, he’s just too small. I cried harder. Please, I’ll do anything, anything at all. Please. Please! Save him! Let him live, […]

Calm Space

And I’m searching for that calm space in my mind, as his hand is around my throat and he’s biting my shoulder and I can’t move and he’s fucking me, telling me it’s love and he’s the only one who truly loves me but I can’t move and my safe-word meant nothing and he tells […]

Walk Away

I’m tired. Tired of myself. Tired of my mind. Tired of the constant swirl of voices. I’m tired of being told my way of thinking is wrong. You think I don’t know?? Oh, I know. Believe me. I spend my hours thinking, thinking, thinking. I’m remembering, tallying up all the things he said and did. […]

Bound

Before you, my life was pale. Incomplete. Unsatisfactory. An element was missing I could never place. I tried filling that spot with lots of other things and people, nothing ever matching up just right. I wasn’t searching for love. And yet, in a moment our hearts went from two to one. Our spirits became bound, […]

Broken Beyond

Nights long past when I lay there in his arms, my soul felt complete and whole. And then he went away and I lay here alone, my heart having gone with him, I am but incomplete. Lacking. Tears soak my cheeks. My pillow. I cover my face. Shame fills me for letting him in. For […]

The Release of Shame

When I was in high school, Jeremiah was my best friend. I lived the farthest away from that rural school than anyone else, over in the next town. Every school morning my mom would drive me the mile from our house to the elementary school to get on an elementary school bus which would drive […]

An Afternoon Walk

Walking through the summer woods, I lose myself in a fantastical magical world. The only way to fully immerse myself is in my natural state. Bare feet sinking in the deep mosses and skirting the many berry patches. The light makes it way feebly through the interlaced branches of spruce and the occasional birch tree. […]

Journal Entries

Last night I said, “I cried less today than yesterday.” And I felt like it was some small triumph. But today I go pick up his ashes and I’m not sure how to carry on. I’ve done nothing but cry today. I cried literally from the moment I woke up to the time I went […]

Patience Has It’s Rewards Too

In this era, walking this world, we have erroneously come to the conclusion that we need everything and we need it now. Where has patience gone? Where has peace fled to? Where is our human compassion and mercy? Examining my own self, I know what I desire. I have hopes and dreams too. Some I […]