Gone are the days
When each morning
I was your waking thought

Yet you’re still mine

Like You

Like you
I walk this world alone
Like you
I tuck my true self away
Like you
I hide behind my words
Like you
I do the best I can
Like you
I battle daily demons
Like you
I smile when it rains
Like you
I cry myself to sleep

So maybe we can be friends

Hopeless Love

I think I fell in love with you
It’s impossible
It shouldn’t be
Yet when I think of you
My heart soars
My lips smile
My eyes close as I imagine
What could be
I know
You’re not mine to have
But I think my heart didn’t care
You told me to be careful
You never led me on
My heart said, hey, I really like him
And the next thing I knew
I’m thinking about you constantly
Early in my morning
Way too late at night
You’ve wandered through my dreams
And taken over my days
My heart goes up
It goes down
And in your absence I realized
Just how much you meant to me
To where I think perhaps
Just maybe
I quietly fell in love with you

Fly Away

Pull me into your arms
Look deep into my eyes
Brush my hair aside
Let your fingertips graze my neck
Stroke my throat
Before bringing your lips to mine
Gently at first
Crush, taste, and devour me
Trace your hands down
Along my breasts, my ribs
Grip my hips
Draw me into you
Wrap your arms about me
Engulf my lips
Ravish me
Thrust yourself into me
Fill me full
Push deeper
Fly with me
Higher and higher still
Take me to the edge
Then spill over
Until we collapse
Lay here in my embrace
Let me caress your face
Kiss your cheek
Smile into my eyes
Before resting peacefully
Sleep, sleep, my Love
I will watch over you

©️tara caribou – 2018

Letting Go (The Release)

The time has come
for me to admit that
I’ve been holding you
too tight

I knew you were never mine
to bind myself to
and yet I did
I held on
I clung to you
and when you attempted to
move on
with a life that always only
belonged to you
I clutched even tighter

Perhaps that
was my downfall
that tight grip

Whatever it was
I recognize now
your need for space
your need to fly
to be free
untethered by me

And so I
in this moment
release that rope which I used
to trap you to me
spread your wings
be the one you were always meant to be

Fly fast
that I may not reach out for you again
with my tar-covered fingers
that I may not taint you
with my dirty filth any longer
that I may not pull you down
into my darkness once again

No I will watch you
from afar
I will always wish the best

Do you understand?

Have you ever loved someone
so much that you wanted nothing
except the best for them?
That even if you could not have them,
you still wanted them to be happy?
That’s me and you

I want you for myself
you were never mine to have
someone got you first
and while I’m jealous of
I’m happy for
to be happy with

in this moment
I am going to try
(once more)
to let you

Remember Me?

Remember me?

I’m the one who
used to make you smile

At the thought of me,
your heart raced

Your skin craved my touch

The smell of me
made you throb with need

Hearing my voice had you
sighing and moaning in the same breath

How you read my words
with upturned lips
Or shivers of want

To satisfy and
be satisfied in equal parts

For me you lost sleep
You broke rules
You opened your heart
You wept and laughed and screamed

What happened?
Where did WE go?

I miss Us
I miss You

Maybe you could send a note

Let me know you still care
That all’s not lost
That I’m not alone

That I’m still welcome
within your walled up heart

Revisiting Contentment and Happiness

Working through my current issues of depression, I’ve been soul-searching, attempting to put a finger on what the underlying issue is. I was reading a fellow blogger’s website earlier and he mentioned getting attuned to the underlying issues and remembering that there is no “fix” but to accept what is and to embrace those failings.

I’ve spent my life unable to share my real thoughts and feelings, when they are too high or too low for society’s standards. Putting on a good face and always smiling even when I’m crying inside. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t make others uncomfortable. It’s always been only through my art and my writing that I’ve allowed myself to show my true colors.

But sometimes those colors spill over into real life. Tainting a picture I’ve carefully set before the world around me. Fighting it at times and, when I can, embracing it. The normal coping methods aren’t working.

As I was thinking about it, I was attributing my depression to recent loss and rejection. I’ve been rejected by friends and potential lovers, among other things. In the big scheme of life, these are mere trifles, insignificant and unimportant. I’ve tricked myself into telling myself “I deserve love” “I deserve happiness” “I deserve acceptance”. But the truth is, I don’t deserve any of those ideas. I might want them, but I don’t deserve them. Love and happiness and loyalty and acceptance aren’t a human right. They are either given or they are not. I’m still a human with or without them.

So perhaps it’s not rejection that’s got me down. Maybe it’s simply wanting things I can’t have and like a little child who doesn’t get their way, I stamp my feet and pout and let the world know of the perceived injustice done to me. I wanted him. He wasn’t meant to be mine. My heart, refusing to give up or believe it, mopes and laments a loss that never really happened anywhere but in my dreams. (And as I pulled back from interacting with him, he did nothing in response, which should clue me in to how little I meant to him to begin with.) Another friendship blossomed quickly and from an unexpected source and I came to rely on him daily but when life swooped in and took him further and further from me, I had to admit I was much lower down his list of priorities than I had hoped.

Pitiful, huh? Pathetic. And that’s when it hit me, I’ve been relying on others once again a bit too heavily. I know the only one I can truly count on is myself. Why did I build those walls so long ago in the first case? Oh yeah. That’s right. Because I am an island. I can count on myself but not on others. It’s my own failing, really. I attach myself to a special few and I cement myself to them. And when they pull themselves free and move on, as is normal in life, I take it personally and have a hard time dealing with the loss. I hold on too tight. And so feelings of rejection settle in. Then depression and sadness. I mourn the loss rather than celebrating what was.

A better way of thinking would be to say, yeah, he wasn’t meant to be yours but his words still speak to your soul nearly every time he picks up his pen. Embrace that. Enjoy what you have of him. And the friendship that was put on the shelf: perhaps it was just what you both needed for that time and perhaps it will pick back up and perhaps it won’t. Let his words of kindness sink into your skin and wrap your mind in the warmth of kindred minds and friendship. Et cetera, Et cetera.

So I’m going to keep repeating to myself that I’m okay and that I’m alright being alone and the tears will continue to fall but there’s no one to see them anyway so… let them fall. And the longing and the loneliness will continue to be my bedfellows but I’ll be alright. This is my lot in life. Love will come and go. So too friendships and acceptance and rejections and happiness and sadness. It’s the human condition. Lift your head, allow the tears to pour from your soul but also allow them to dry as well. And stop looking to others to make you whole or happy. It’s all just an illusion, anyway.

tara caribou | ©2017

PS: I Miss You

Remember those days and nights
when we used to text each other
every minute that we had?
I do.
When we shared every little stupid
insignificant thing and it was
mildly embarrassing but still
I did it anyway.
Telling you all the worst parts of me.
I figured if you knew
all the dumb stuff about me
(yeah, so I can’t stand
my feet getting wet *shudder*)

and you still wanted to talk
then maybe we could be friends after all.

But maybe friendship isn’t all I feel.
Maybe I jumped in.
Maybe you make me a better person.
So, I still text you with stupid shit.
But your responses become
fewer and fewer.
Perhaps I overwhelmed you
with my clinginess.
Perhaps you’ve found someone better.
I’ll admit it wouldn’t take much
to attain that particular goal.
(Does she randomly send you
pictures of yogurt too?)

Perhaps I’m too moody and
self-absorbed and obnoxious.
Or maybe life has made you
too busy for me.
That’s okay, I guess.
I can understand.
There are a lot of obligations and
people pulling for your attentions.
Now I’ve become one of those people.
Just another one lining up
for your affections and attentions.
But still.
I yearn for you.

So, here I sit.
Thinking of conversations we’ve had.
And conversations I want to have but
I’m still unable to bring myself to ask or
talk about.
Maybe sometime in the next hour or so,
I’ll cross your mind again.
Maybe, just maybe, you’ll text me.
And bring a smile to my face.

Oh, and PS: I miss you.


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