Mind Games

As much as I try to pretend it doesn’t, it actually does. Hurt, I mean. I do this to myself, when I’m honest with myself. That I sink into this comfortable place thinking that my loyalty means a goddamn thing to anyone. That maybe I am important to one person or the other. It’s takes these little reminders to remember: how wrong I am. How naive. How utterly pathetic.

Be independent, they say. Love yourself first, they preach. Selfish mother fuckers. Oh, I’m selfish; don’t get me wrong. I want unconditional love (who doesn’t). I want to matter. I want to be remembered. I want someone to lie awake, like I do, staring at that dark ceiling and ache to be laying next to me, of all people. Or is it just me? Am I the only one who wants something better? To be loved. To be wanted. To laugh and cry, but not alone.

Or how about this one: to be accepted like I am without stipulations or the lens of some other person as an overlay. Damnit, I’m me. I’m not her or anyone else. I. Am. Me. I’m tired of crying. Harden that heart back up, girl. But I can’t because: been there, done that. I know the actual results of that.

I say: oh, I don’t care if you don’t read what I write. Because then I trick myself into not caring. But I do. Yeah, I actually do. But I do this to myself, don’t I? At least that’s what you’re always telling me.

tara caribou | ©2021 stream of consciousness

25 Comments on “Mind Games

  1. i feel, it feels, like you are so wrong about so much of that, yet so right …
    pain feels like the foundation on which we build our house of cards, never knowing how strong it actually is, never recognising how fragility can be both a blessing and beautiful … are things that can’t be broken too rigid to be of worth? i believe the more one bares ones soul, the more genuine resonance others find in ones writing. i wonder how many people read and feel but aren’t in a position to share or reciprocate … i also believe one never really tricks ones self – denial is powerful, but deep down we know.
    i love this. it triggered and resonated a lot with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh absolutely. In the end, we really do know the truth, no matter what mantras we tell ourselves. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I sure do appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Most things are an illusion, but there is never a back up plan…it’s only you in the end. As much as we can trust, love and care. It is our journey, that’s what really matters. It’s tough, but no one ever said it wouldn’t be. (a supportive hug and nod of the head with understanding)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This resonates with me. Thank you for being so raw and vulnerable. You are right: we all want unconditional love.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. we are a mass of contradictions and as far as I can see the only way to get your head around it is to know it, we can be two emotions at once, or three or four or whatever, it is possible to be facing in two different directions. Most of the time I don’t think there are any solutions, just the tide that comes in and goes out constantly leaving us some days just beached x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s easy to say that no-one else’s opinion matters, but a different thing entirely to live ghat out. Yes it is important to writs for one’s self but, at the back of our minds, we all hope that somebody will ‘get It’. And I’m not sure that we can ever really fool ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Our minds are our own worst enemies, and despite what front we put on, deep inside… we do care. Well said.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. We often can be our greatest enemies. Lies and deception are weapons. Who will stop us from this destruction? It’s every person for themselves. May we learn to be gentle.
    Love your words and the feelings they harbor. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I relate to this so much. I am told quite often I’m too sensitive. Which I’m not. But even if I were, would that be a bad thing? I don’t think so. i think there is more wrong with a world that thinks sensitive is wrong and being a bad ass cold bitch is right.

    Liked by 1 person

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