When I held him in my arms, he was so small. So small. I cried oh god how I cried. I asked, is there anything we can do?
The doctor said, I’m sorry no, he’s just too small. I cried harder. Please, I’ll do anything, anything at all. Please. Please! Save him! Let him live, I’ll do anything.
But the doctor said, I’m so sorry.
And a nurse said, you need to hold your baby while you can. And they kept listening to his heart. And listening as my body convulsed and shivered.
As blood flowed and machines whirred and beeped. As people came and went. As I stared. As I cried. As I felt so very cold. As my body betrayed me. As the doctor reached his hand inside me. As I willed him to take a breath and cry with me. As his pink skin turned purple.
Until the last time the nurse listened to his heart and murmured, time 7:32pm. I would have done anything to save his life. Anything. Why…. a million whys. I will always love him.
tara caribou | ©2021
Ten years and my heart is heavy.