In Reality, There’s No Buried Treasure

I fell in love with a writer once. It was so easy to slide right into those words and make them mine. To pretend that sometimes they were words written just for me.

They weren’t.

They were about other people.

I knew it. But I WANTED them to be about me. I was desperate to hear those words of desire and want and love said to me.

So I made them mine.

I pretended that sometimes he slipped hidden messages in, here and there, knowing I’d find them like buried treasure. Then I started doing the same thing myself. I spoke in code. I wanted him to see my messages of love too.

He didn’t.

He had no fucking clue.

See, I was romancing myself. I had clothed him in my delusions and wishful thinking. In reality, I was another faceless name. Another adoring fan.

I’m telling myself right now, and you are my witness to remind me: I am nothing to him. I’m not an inspiration. I’m not a future dream. I am not a secret lover. I am but a mere reader who got easily carried away. I am a fool who fell in love.

(In all honesty, it’s a testament of his powerful creative aura. To his skillful writing. To be able to sway hearts in need. I don’t deny that.)

So, yeah, I fell in love with a writer. I just wish it had been the other way around.


tara caribou | ©2020

29 thoughts on “In Reality, There’s No Buried Treasure

  1. how do you know the words weren’t for you
    how do you know they weren’t terrified with what they were writing, what they were feeling?
    it’s not a fool who falls in love
    how do you know they didn’t see your messages but were still too afraid? self conscious, timid ..
    maybe you’d be surprised?
    why should you take the first step
    but why should they?
    why should you declare unambiguously?
    but why should they?
    how do you know it wasn’t the other way around? and why should it be a mirror image, why not mutual?
    such a tenuous dance, so vicious and so confusing …
    when you work it out, let the rest of us know please 🙂
    because you’ve described most of my relationships
    and so many that people have shared with me …
    this was very thought provoking .. more than you might know …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I… uhhh… I. Yeah. I don’t have any answers Mr. Rider. I don’t. I may be making assumptions but I don’t think they are far off-base.

      But I do feel like a fool. Like, 82% of the time. Also, not everything here is totally my reality, to be honest. I was thinking about another person’s point of view and tried to think about it like that. Some of it deeply deeply relate with though. Like you said… it’s one example of many, many relationships.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. i don’t think you are far off-base – but it seems almost like it can be an unseen, unacknowledged and unspoken stand-off where nobody knows that is happening … like two souls can walk apart with strong feelings never knowing that the other felt the same. 82%? hehehe … i gave up feeling foolish long ago, but to be cliched its a journey not a destination – i struggle really hard to be just me and authentic no matter how foolish that seems to others, maybe a source of their laughter is my purpose on this rock, but often it seems letting emotion and feeling run free is rewarded from lovers, friends and even strangers … or maybe i’m a bigger fool than i know, which is quite possible!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Twenty-five years ago that happened to me… walked away from a friend who I had feelings for but didn’t know he felt the same. Then a few years back I saw him again and since I had nothing to lose, I told him and found out he felt the same way. Nowadays though I just tell people I like them when I do. It’s easier that way.

          Liked by 2 people

    1. For me, I believe in multiple forms/types of love. There’s lust and there’s “true” love, there’s love that comes from a long period of time and there’s family love. There’s short and there’s long-term. All love is good and perfect. But it has many faces.

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  2. So true – it’s incredibly easy to fall in love with a soul-stirring story or poem & convince ourselves that the writer meant it as a personal tribute. Love’s a fickle and mysterious beast, and it can be so easy to clothe our fantasies through another’s words. Very relatable!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Tara

        I’ll take your word for it, it’s your poem and you know what you’re conveying – I still see something different – anger is too strong a word, but I got some sense of disappointment lurking in there (I would feel disappointed by the other)- but that’s my take – no matter, I very much like the poem. I also like geysers (off subject) – not seen Old F but I’ve stood near the Icelandic hot water shooters.
        Cheers
        Steve

        Liked by 1 person

        1. That’s the thing I love about art. It’s subjective. I definitely had feelings of disappointment when I wrote this. Mostly in myself.

          I HAVE seen “Old Faithful” and driving the loop at Yellowstone. It was… uhhhmm… not as amazing as I thought it would be. Underwhelming. I mean, cool, but.. there were other parts of the trip I appreciated so much more. But I would love to visit Iceland. One of the only places in the world I actually want to see.

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  3. Hi Tara
    Iceland is certainly worth a visit – fairly expensive – but it looks like a film set for something fantastical. I see you live in Alaska – itself a part of the world with wonderful scenery – not that I have been there. I was in Spitzbergen last spring – it has huge glaciers like Alaska’s – polar bears too and free-roaming reindeer on the outskirts of the one town, Longyearbyen.
    Cheers
    Steve
    PS the UK is lovely too – though I have a fear it will grow more shabby now we have left the EU.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Writing that makes you think it’s about you is the best. Indeed, a testament to his writing skills. You want to draw in the audience.
    You will always see “a message” if you want to see it. Even if it’s not there. Same with signs – you can bend any of them to your liking.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES!! that’s really it, isn’t it. I absolutely love reading something that completely makes me feel a part of it. That’s a good writer.

      And I completely agree with the signs and messages comment. I’ve seen it so many times. Now, I do believe in some things… but if you’re looking, you can force the issue and see signs everywhere.

      Liked by 1 person

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