something bad happened tonight I was pushed and pushed and pushed the rage built within me more pushing I snapped I let my violence take over I lashed out I screamed I gestured wildly and when that wasn’t enough I raised my hands and rained down pain and the yelling and the crying and the begging and the anger raised to a crescendo while
on the stovetop
and when it was all over the tears having been shoved deep inside I stripped off my clothes because I suddenly felt very dirty and I fell to my knees and placed my face in my hands and the bile rose in my throat all this for what
oh vile wretch that I am I can’t look in the mirror who is this bitch before me where did this frenzied fury come from I’ll tell you where no big surprise
someone told me today he loved me as I danced around the truth and it hit me hard and I got scared because I had no idea no fucking clue and of course he knew I loved him too and he was so gentle with me about it but I got scared and as I felt this thing in my chest and my head felt a little foggy and I wanted to throw my phone and run and disappear
and then because he knows me he asked me not to freak out about it or pull away from him and god I wanted to but instead I put on a good face along with a nervous smile as my cloak and the rest of the day I had this thing following me around like a balloon tied to my waist and I wanted to turn around to confront it but I also just couldn’t because I’m confused
and instead of coping with a little stress I let one stress build upon the other until something fractured and it was me and my demons and now here I sit on the bathroom tiles with a blade to my arm and tears coursing down my cheeks
broken perhaps unfixable
I reason with myself and the blade presses in and just a little pain that’s all I need I won’t do a lot and suddenly a voice in my mind and I imagine his response if he were here with me and it’s like
I can see him crouched down looking in my eyes and he’s holding my hand gently pulling the blade from my fingers and he doesn’t care that there’s scarlet self-loathing dripping down or that it is on his hands he’s only got pain shining from his eyes but they almost look like tears and I can’t bear to look nor can I pull my eyes away either
and for once I put the blade away clean and I’m wondering why I couldn’t handle the pain my pain might cause him and I feel more me than I have in a long long time
tara caribou | ©2020
Remembering that one time I freaked the fuck out….
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