Wanting More

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I keep cutting open the wound? Reminding myself of all the ways I fail. That I don’t measure up. That I never will.

I want so much more than I will ever have. Why torture myself? Why can’t I leave well-enough, alone? There is this untouchable thing… I stare at it. Memorize it. I long for it. Desire it. I want more.

And still I know, this future isn’t for me. It never was. I made the mistake of wishing it could be true. But deep down, I know I lied to myself.

My destiny looks a little different. Why do I do this to myself? Because I want more.


tara caribou | ©2020

26 thoughts on “Wanting More

  1. Wanting more. We all want more and continue to move down those same paths because without them we are lost. We have always felt pain and without feeling pain we think we are doing something wrong so we return to hurting ourselves. Then eventually we have what I like to call “An Awakening”. We realize that if we don’t change, this path will be forever in length. Change is acquired easily by writing down your dreams. Concentrate on those dreams and share them with the world. It is then you will see that the pain you are going through isn’t caused by you, but comes from the negative energy of those who are around you. The phrase misery loves company is an understatement. Misery is sneaky and will enter into your lives using people around you. They smile and shake your hand while holding a knife in the other waiting for you to turn your back.
    These miserable people have you right where they want you, by their side. Break free by smiling and agreeing but forgetting what they tell you and tell yourself, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. Great post by the way!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind and insightful comment. What you say is very true indeed. There is this fine line, I suppose, as an artist where we delve into all those feelings as a human and scrape and draw them out, dissecting and analyzing, because it is, after all, the human condition… But then, too, sometimes we feed off the drama and (as you mentioned) the “misery loves company” angle. Staying on one side of the line is healthy while crossing over… well, that could become, I don’t know, narcissistic, perhaps.

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      1. I chuckled a little on that response because many don’t cross that line intentionally, they are pushed and never see it until they begin to question how things are going wrong in their world and begin to blame themselves. Your post made me think and for that I am grateful. Keep up the good writings.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe I’m misinterpreting entirely, but these sound like the words of someone at one of those forks in the road, and they’ve already half way decided which way to go. But whatever the case, I’m just thrilled to read another post, I just can’t seem to get enough of you Tara Caribou. Your wondrous words never fail to prompt me to laugh or cry and even dream. Sometimes dream like I’ve never dreamed before.
    Love and light to you.

    Minnow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Whippoorwill-of-my-heart. I am incredibly touched by your kind words… and also somewhat surprised that you were able to prize that from these lines. Indeed that is right where I am at.

      I was just thinking about you not 15 minutes ago. Thinking, thinking, thinking… as I do. Your words also prompt me in the same way as you’ve described. And for that I will ever always be thankful and just a bit wistful.

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        1. And my answer: I will be eventually. I’m still healing physically and as for emotionally… well that’s coming too. I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s all I know how to do. As you are well aware. Thank you for thinking nice things about me though.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I wonder if we do this because others haven’t been kind to us… so we’ve not yet learned how to be kind to ourselves. Perhaps it’s a simplistic outlook, but there’s certainly been a scary amount of truth to this in my life at least. And, so, I re-open old wounds, and consider myself unworthy of anything good coming my way in the future. This stops me from reaching for anything good as well. Anyway, that’s what I brought to your poem, I think.

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    1. Very intuitive thoughts, Tony… and ones in which I myself ponder. Are these feelings legitimate? Am I really a wretch or am I worthy? Am I acting in a worthy manner or am I petulant woman-child bent on getting my way? And the old wounds open again, yes.

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      1. I suspect more the former, and not the latter, but that’s merely my take based on having read so much of your poetry for a while now. Someone with your amount of insight wouldn’t be a mere, petulant woman-child.

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        1. Oh I’m pretty sure I’m as selfish as the rest, my friend… there are things I dearly want that, at least in this season, aren’t meant for me. Hence why I refer to myself as a doomed romantic. I want someone to adore me more than anything else… just like what I wish for everyone else lol… but that’s not going to happen.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Well, I’ve been in that place, and I don’t envy what you’re going through. I think we’re all allowed to be a little ‘selfish’ when it comes to the desires of our hearts. At the end of the day, we all just wanna be loved, I think.

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  4. Isn’t that the curse?
    Life would be so much simpler (and happier) if only we learned to be content with what we have instead of always expecting more…
    As for opening old wounds… The question is if you’ll ever get what you’re looking for or not. The problem is that you won’t know until you try. But if you try too many times you just might end up killing yourself. If you don’t, you might end up missing out. It’s a bit like a lottery. A gamble. You win or you lose, but you have to play to find out.

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  5. I feel that here we have a double-edged sword; on the one hand we, for what ever reason (childhood experiences, self-perception, dissatisfaction), feel that we are not worth what we value in others, and, as a result, interpret their responses as negative, and yet, on the other hand, we need this introspection as a spur to drive us creatively. I know that it sounds glib, but we are all equal and at the same time unique, and therefore worthy. It is difficult, I realise, to distance ourselves from the actions of others, but it is important that we focus on who we are, and not how others perceive us.
    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely. Sometimes we need that reminder too. I know there are times when I know who I am and sometimes the old dark thoughts arise like when I’m rejected, which start the spiral of self-hatred and questioning of self-worth.

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  6. this was very interesting to read – it felt awkward to me, defined at one level but ambiguous in some intriguing way – in the same way it seemed to do that it made perfect sense … now that doesn’t sound like it makes sense at all so i’ll just say it hit something good …

    Liked by 1 person

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