Déjà Vu

Today I feel naked and vulnerable and more than ever I wish I had his arms to lie in. I need him to lift my chin and speak sense into me and tell me I can be exposed before him.

Everything feels like I’m on repeat.

I’m sure I’ve done this before. Felt this pit in my stomach. Felt this longing. Something doesn’t feel right. Amiss. I search my mind.

What. What is this? Is it that I could see myself with him for the rest of my days? That the thought terrifies and exhilarates at the same time. That I would wait for him? Because he’s worth it to me.

That everyone else fades from memory in light of him? My past seems faded and smudged. That I would leave all this behind just to be wrapped up in him? Everything I’ve held dear to me pales in comparison to the amazing person he is.

And I know this is mostly in my own head. The knowledge of who I really am to him. That I love him and maybe he loves me in his own way, although not in the same respect. Does it really matter who loves who more?

But in my wishful thinking, I am. In my wishful thinking we are already standing face to face and he doesn’t care about my scuffed and scarred surface, but sees my heart. Perhaps sees it more than I do.

And his arms are open wide and I step into them and he smells amazing and my skin is on fire and I can hear his heart beating in his chest and it’s as if its tympanic resonance says: I-love-you-oh-I-love-you.

My wishful thinking has us embracing for an eternity as we seek to meld into one whole and all those stumbling blocks don’t actually exist and the years melt away in reverse and we are both starting all over but this time, it’s together.

But wait.

Haven’t I had this whole vision in my head before? Didn’t I have these same wishes and dreams? I must have because it feels so familiar and I’m absolutely positive that I have written this entire thing down before. And even the second time around, my yearning for him is just as strong and I know I will live in this moment again and again and again.

Wishing. Longing. Hoping. Waiting.

tara caribou | ©2019

33 Comments on “Déjà Vu

  1. If you could see
    What I see
    In those moments when
    You’re most vulnerable
    You might recognize
    Through the haze
    Of your sadness
    There is something within you
    The word beautiful
    Fails to describe

    I’ve heard you cry out
    For nothing more
    Than the most basic
    Of human needs
    To be touched
    In a way
    Where you are seen
    To be held
    In a way
    Where you are heard
    To be safe
    From all this
    Which has been given you
    To hear those words
    This is not your fault

    Such things
    Are not much to ask
    If I could give them
    To you, I would
    Over and over
    A thousand times a day
    But like you
    I’ve never known these things

    You’d think in this
    We’d find common ground
    But it’s exactly
    What keeps us apart
    For how do we give
    What we’ve never known
    How do we share
    What’s never been shown
    And how can we love
    That which we fail to see

    Liked by 10 people

  2. Don’t delete this. It is a perfect expression of romantic love. It is forever new and transcendent…even as it repeats over and over in our lives with each cycle minimizing the last one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I get why you’d be inclined to delete this. It’s because one’s often afraid of completely baring oneself like you’ve done in this piece. I’ve been there.
    And the decision is ultimately yours to make but I must say that this is a work of art. I feel your longing. And I hope you get whoever it is that you yearn for ❤.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is very raw and open – and I understand your feelings towards it. Sometimes writing in this way is purely cathartic (and can be to others too) – and wishful thinking can still be a warm place.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve been thinking of this topic lately. This longing for someone, for a love past, for a feeling that you wish you could make reality again but stands only in memories.

    I’ve been thinking there is no one I feel so compelled to love again. I’ve loved but not like this, or at least not that I can recall, not that it bring back any memories or longing.

    It actually makes me quite sad that I wish I had someone to long for. But at the same time I realize that when and if the next love shows I won’t have anyone I’m clinging to in the past and I suppose that’s a good thing.

    Even though what one had can never be taken from us and what one long for in the future is not a guarantee.

    Cest la vie.

    Great writing as always……please don’t delete it. 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I believe that every love is unique and special in its own way. There is something to learn from each one. Some bring wistful longing, some whispers of a smile, some a tightening of the thighs or sighs of memories…

      There are times I hate the longing.. but also, I can appreciate it’s own beauty as well. 💕


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