Cored Soul

there was curled up in my belly
crouching, waiting
I felt sick and nervous
it dug its claws in a little deeper
my heart leapt
tried to work it’s way from my throat
I swallowed thickly and probed my flesh
right there
my suspicions confirmed
I dropped to my knees
fell forward
and buried my tears in the carpet
the beast inside mewled for attention
licking its paws
hungry for more
I lay wasted
unsure of myself
confidence flagging
it raked its claws along my spine
nicking the edge of my soul
I was bleeding internally
what now?
my sobbing spirit released itself
one two three four five…
I’ll only count the red fibers this time
the fire from its claws became a dull ache
fifty-six fifty-seven fifty-eight…
my tears dried along the edges of my eyes
the creature turned around
once then twice
curled up again and settled
now I feel it’s weight deep within
I taste blood and ashes on my tongue
my stomach lurches
I know it’s only sleeping
and there’s no telling when it will wake again
I’m shredded inside
three-thirty-nine three-forty three-forty-one…
will I be okay?
please hold me and tell me I’ll be okay
please don’t hurt me again
please let me be the only one

tara caribou | ©2019

Read this and more in my poetry book, Four.

20 thoughts on “Cored Soul

  1. i almost laughed – almost – like someone else gets it like i do … it found a home in my thoughts so easily and yet disturbingly … i always try to laugh at ‘disturbingly’ – it doesn’t always work, but i try … i hope that makes sense … loved it …

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that the point here is – despite even ‘professionals’ talking of ‘beating’ depression – that it a part of you, and, for as long as you live, it lives with you. At some point, as I feel you intimate in your poem, you have to accept the fact that it is part of who you are (and isn’t it helpful in terms of creative spirit) rather like an unwelcome guest who will never leave, and develop coping mechanisms.
    I’ve probably gone on too much now! Great work, Tara.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “It raked it’s claws along my spine nicking the edge of my soul” and then the curling up and settling….Tara this is heart wrenching. “I know it’s only sleeping” for anyone who can recognize the sleeping beast this writing rawly and graphically describes as best it ever could, the torment felt when it awakens.
    I bow to you ….. 🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

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