I Remember Him

I remember his voice in my ear
His hand on my hip
Fingers gripping me tightly
I remember how I came alive
Beneath his ministrations
How the past faded
And a future became possible
I remember thinking
This can never work
God how I wish I was wrong
One day he was gone
He slipped right through my grasp
And I never saw it coming
I had hoped he would fade
My memory being as it is
Yet I remember him
The words he wrote
His kindness, his sensuality
A meeting of minds and bodies
How I would’ve flown to him
Left it all behind
Had he asked me but once
Instead I waited
And apparently I was never going to be
Good enough or just enough or
More than enough
I was always
Only
Just me
I had hoped this once
Just me was just enough
I remember him, of my dreams
And him, in my poetry
And him, in my drawings and art
And he has yet to fade
I say, I won’t think of him
I won’t write about him
I won’t read what he wrote
But here I am
Once more
Reading
Writing
Thinking
Damn it! Damn it all!
I swear sometimes I must be cursed
I tell my damned heart
Don’t do it
Don’t fall for him
You know better
Look at you
You’re ridiculous
Absolutely ridiculous and really quite lame
He couldn’t care less
Words
They’re just words
But fuck, this heart of mine
Went and flew away
Far, far away
Fine! Leave then!
Don’t come back!
Just leave me here
Just me and Logic
Dear, reliable friend of mine
Yes, Logic not Heart
That’s what I need
Remember him?
Him who?
Oh, the One it could never work with?
That’s right
I DO remember
But it’s less painful
Than I thought it would be
Logic said it wouldn’t work anyway
And look here I was right
Of course, I can’t say these things
While looking in a mirror
While making eye contact
Nope
But I’m gonna say them regardless
I mean, I have to
Okay, so yeah
I remember him
And my heart (damn it anyway) hurts
And my eyes are downcast
And, yeah, I’m crying once more
And I don’t really understand
Why I wasn’t enough
Or what I did to ruin us
Or why he still invades my mind
Or why I want to be the One
Who heals him and
Keeps his demons at bay
Or why I want to tell him everything
Or why I remember him
All of him
Everything he said to me
So I’ll wrap my arms around myself
Pretend for just one minute it’s him
That he remembers me too
That I really am enough
That this is just a pause
That he’ll look at me again and say
Just once
I Love You


©️tara caribou – 2018

25 thoughts on “I Remember Him

  1. There are few things I loathe quite as much as wanting so desperately to be wrong about my logical assessment of things, finding out my logic was right, and then trying to work through the “I told you so’s” from myself…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A mournful mix of the present and memories, fighting through the thick fog of ‘if only’. Your pain comes through very powerfully here, it’s sad to read…but you have written these words, so you survived to tell the tale. I hope the healing folds you in.
    Great piece!

    Liked by 1 person

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