The Real Me

Don’t put too much thought into me
The real me
Into who I really am
Don’t read it into my poems
Or my fantasies
I’m really no one special

See, he taught me a long time ago
That I wasn’t worth it
I wasn’t smart enough or good enough
I was no different than any other person
You would meet on the street
Maybe even less so

Then along came another
He said all the right things
He made me feel good
Until he too proved
What I really already knew
What I had tricked myself into denying

That I’m not worth the time it takes
To send a fucking email
Or a phone call or whatever
I’m always available so
There’s no reason to fight for me

See, I’m not who you think I am
I’m human and I’m needy and
I have desires and wants and hopes
I have thoughts and dreams and visions
But I’m not the sum of my art

Sure, I string words across a page
I fling paint upon a canvas
And scratch lead into paper
I press permanent ink into virgin skin
But that’s not who I really am
That’s someone else, not me

That woman, she is who she lets you see
A fake, a performer, a liar
Deep inside resides the real me
The one I can’t let you see
Because she’s been betrayed
One too many times
Perhaps doomed of her own making

So keep on thinking you know me
Call me “sweet” or some other absolute
Bullshit
But I know the truth
I’m not her, the one you think I am
See, I can’t allow you to know me
The real me
Because she’s hurting and
She’s alone
And she’s almost

Desperate

But you’ll never know that
No, you’ll never see her constant tears
And you’ll never, ever hurt her


©️tara caribou – 2018

fuck the world. or fuck me. one way or another someone’s getting fucked.

70 thoughts on “The Real Me

  1. This is really good. I’ve read it twice now, and it gets better with every new read. I know you have other topics on your site, but when you write like this, then I know, I made the right choice to become one of your followers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m certainly no stranger to the things you have said, most of my early life I was an actor amongst other things so I know better than most how to hide who I am. Everyone one we meet is unique, I choose to learn from peoples differences and encourage them if I can. I would never belittle anyone because they have different beliefs or ways of doing things than me.
    Very well written. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Yes, we all react to the opinions of others differently, don’t we? Sometimes those opinions dig deeply and define us (whether we want them to or not) and sometimes those opinions mean nearly nothing. You’re right. We are all, in some ways, unique. We should then, theoretically embrace those differences however it’s not always that way. When I failed to meet someone’s expectations, that let them down and they reacted by belittling me even more. It’s a terrible cycle to be in but sometimes some of us get into it, unfortunately. Now the trick is to retrain the brain and heart. Easier said than done, I find.

      Like

      1. When someone doesn’t meet my expectations I tend to try and help or do more to make up for it which usually means that get used and worn out with no thanks or love in return. There must be a happy medium somewhere or with the right person but I haven’t found it or her yet!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. There is another way.

    I myself have been in that exact place for years and years. I even had this convoluted, conspiracy theory-esque scheme justifying my own views on myself, citing much the same examples listed here. I was using that scheme to justify myself mainly to myself but also to others. Of course I later discovered that this scheme was designed specifically not to convince them of anything, but grind them down to the point where they felt that the only way to stop it was to nod their heads and make a mental note as to never bring it up again.

    The other way is clear: to adopt the approach of “whatever.” Not whatever, it doesn’t matter, because it does. More like, whatever as in: “This is who and what I am. What you see is what you get. I don’t care about your delusions, your prescribed notions about me, what you may think I am or not. This is who and what I am. Take it, or leave it, I am done being defined by what you don’t want – I am defined by what I am.”

    Is it easy to do? Fuck no, you kiddin’? The amount of self-reflection and the basic amount of quarter you have to give yourself is nothing short of borderline inhuman. But can it be done? Yes. Yes it can.

    Oh, and for the record, hearing all about how “you are so sweet” is just annoying.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. So relatable. Painful, gut wrenching, defeatist, brutal truth, raw and powerful and yet human and funny.

    So what then? If this is how you feel bout yourself then so what? Be self destructive. Have toxic relationships. Feel every nuance of life to its utmost. Why try to be someone your not. Relish this because all roller coasters end eventually.

    Why chastise yourself. A friend taught me that he sees himself as inferior and he needs to be loved as an inferior (not an equal) or he is not happy. He doesn’t not feel complete. He feels like he is being lied to if he is not being made to feel less than. That is his happiness.

    Hey. Knowing what makes you truly happy in life is more than most people know about themselves. Lol

    I do so love your morbid, sad, self depreciating, extremism. Reminds me of myself 20 years ago. Reminds me how close that cliff still is. Right there on the horizon I can feel it.

    You remind me how far I’ve come and yet how close to that i still am.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the comment. It’s so appreciated. But by far my favorite part was: “I do so love your morbid, sad, self depreciating, extremism.” That made me happy to read. I do many times try for extremes as contrast to mundane.

      Like

      1. Happy bawling. Lol. I am too 😭
        Sending smiles your way. Life is not so bad. You are better off alone instead of being with the wrong guy and going through hell.
        Find someone on your own terms who will love you for who you are. Till then, no compromise. 🙂🤗

        Liked by 1 person

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