This is going to sound super cheesy but have you ever felt like you waited your whole life to meet somebody, like everything that came before was just preparing you for this one person, not for a single moment but for that one person, and when you finally meet them or they become a part of your life, somehow clarity comes in, nearly epiphany and suddenly everything’s made clear and things make sense and you feel like a whole person for once. That’s how it feels for me. And it fucking sucks because it can’t be my reality. It’s like having a really good dream that you don’t want to wake up from and when you do wake up, it’s actually real life, for like five minutes, and then you realize it really wasn’t reality to begin with. You never really woke up. And somehow being whole feels more fractured than ever because there’s a part of me that knows what I could be and the rest of me knows I’ll never have that. I can’t have it in reality. So where do I go from here? Do I live out the rest of my days knowing what could’ve been? What should’ve been? And just say, I’m going to be content with this that I have — or maybe not content, maybe I just except it for what it is: we don’t all get to live the life we want to live; we don’t all get to find true love or have that image we had in our mind of how things should be really become a reality; we just have to live. God, I don’t…. I don’t want that. I did it for so long just living but not Living, surviving but not Thriving. I don’t wanna do that anymore and honestly I don’t know where to go from here. I feel so fucking trapped and this is part of my problem. I don’t want that but I don’t know what to do because my reality isn’t — no the dream of what I want my reality to be — is not attainable. I don’t know what I’m saying here. Just I’m ecstatically happy and I have never been lower. Fractured. That’s how I feel. It’s all so fucked up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel pushed and pulled and I don’t know what to do…
tara caribou | ©2018
As a side note… this is not where I am at today. I am only just getting around to posting this. I still feel fractured. But I figured out where that feeling was coming from. I am very much at peace about where I was at and where things are today. Or… not at peace about where things are. I’m at peace with my decisions and current thought processes. Vague? Yes.
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a collection of short poetry from an autistic mind
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