Swimming in a sea
of self-loathing and darkness.
I scarce can hold my head up:
I’m drowning.
Nothing to hold me afloat;
the shore is a distance
far from my reach.

I’m alone.

In this world of chaotic wet.
Memories dance before my eyes.
Regret holds on to my throat.
What-ifs wrap themselves
around my ankles.
Mistakes weigh my hands down.

Waves of questions wash over my head.
What am I doing?
Does he care? Why do I?
The distance seems insurmountable,
is it worth it?
Can I be good enough?
Attractive enough?
Worthy of the fight?
Can I romance him with silvery words?
Is honesty enough?
Should I play at being someone else?
Does he even see me, for real?
It never works out,
what’s the point in trying?
There’s something wrong with me.
There must be.

I am naked and exposed.

Why can’t I just be normal?
Why can’t I, for once,
be the One worthy of his eyes,
where they stop roving for more,
to settle on me and only me?
Is that asking too much?
Why must I let jealousy reign?
Did I push him away?
Yes, there’s definitely
something wrong with me.

Vision reduces to greys.
Fear wraps around my heart.

I’m alone.

Darkness covers my eyes.
Salty liquid fills my mouth, my lungs.

There’s no one to rescue me.

I’m being pulled down
Beneath these icy waves.
Why am I fighting it?
So much easier to just let go.

Maybe this time,

I will.

©️tara caribou – 2017

18 thoughts on “Sinking

    1. mmmm maybe a little. Perhaps that’s been my problem all along, huh? Maybe I should get over it, toe the line, march with the masses… or keep doing what I’m doing. Rising above, sinking down, rising once again. In this moment, I honestly couldn’t say which choice is better.


  1. I agree with everything written for you already but can I say having come from such dark places myself. Having ridden down this same road many times albeit under my own circumstances. In other words I am not taking away from your own unique experience of it. But if I can say that the moment I learned to love myself for me and put myself above the fray. Put my needs first. Put my love for myself first. That when this same darkness comes for me. These same questions. I can laugh them off much easier now. Because I know how strong I am. Because I know life is cyclical and there will always be hard moments. Because I know not everyone will always value my worth. But the more I value my own worth the more those that hold that same value come forth. It’s a weird kismet in life.

    Keep paddling. It’s worth the effort. You can get to where you want. But you are looking in the wrong direction. You need to nurture yourself first.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I realize, I’ve been a bit lax in responding to your posts, but it isn’t always that the ones with your obviously negative thoughts make it easy to respond. I see that this one has been around before, but you most likely wouldn’t have posted it if it wasn’t valid anymore? Well, I still think as the others do and wish that it could be different with how you think, but that is the issue here, isn’t it? We cannot always decide what or where our thoughts will take us, can we? I still am of the conviction that you should allow these positive thoughts attempt to take over the negative ones, as least for a few minutes, or hours as might be possible. I’ll try to write you comments, although them being on the positive side, because that is how I am as a person. I won’t say, take it or leave it, because that would be assuming too much from my point of view, and not knowing how your thoughts, and experiences affect how you are as a person? Take care and keep on writing, are the best things that I can leave you with this time.

    Liked by 1 person

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