Fear of Falling

and this moment arrived when
I first came to understand
all that had gone before had
led up to this very moment
this the edge of the precipice
where I could step off and
fall
fall
fall
unending breeze
past my watering eyes
heavy and light
no weight but ever plummeting

or

I could cling as a babe
to her mama’s soft breast
comfortable
numb
not growing or weaning
milk dribbling
from the corner of my pursed lips
hold me! sing me a lullaby!
when even she shook out her apron
sending me flying
right out and over
down
always down

and every single thing
every tear-soaked sheet and
mewling cry and
wicked betrayer’s kiss and
trembling nicotine-stained fingers
and every raised fist and
unanswered prayer and
groaning lamentation
and every empty meaningless fuck and
empty bottle and
downcast glance
flashes
one upon the other
before my eyes

I squeeze my lids tightly shut
but no matter
I’m still careening
ever downward
and the memories flood past
and then
instead of bursting
into a million pieces spraying
vaporized blood and
bits of brain and bone…

I slam chest first
right into your open waiting arms
and you wrap yourself around me
hold me tight and
all that fear of falling
was naught but a waste

you were waiting all along
I just had to
release
myself into your care
and all the past shit
that’s got my head twisted
you don’t care
you hold my face
wipe my tears with your thumbs
smile kindly into my soul

and healing begins


©️tara caribou – 2018

20 thoughts on “Fear of Falling

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