something bad happened tonight I was pushed and pushed and pushed the rage built within me more pushing I snapped I let my violence take over I lashed out I screamed I gestured wildly and when that wasn’t enough I raised my hands and rained down pain and the yelling and the crying and the begging and the anger raised to a crescendo while
the eggs
burned
on the stovetop
and when it was all over the tears having been shoved deep inside I stripped off my clothes because I suddenly felt very dirty and I fell to my knees and placed my face in my hands and the bile rose in my throat all this for what
oh vile wretch that I am I can’t look in the mirror who is this bitch before me where did this frenzied fury come from I’ll tell you where no big surprise
someone told me today he loved me as I danced around the truth and it hit me hard and I got scared because I had no idea no fucking clue and of course he knew I loved him too and he was so gentle with me about it but I got scared and as I felt this thing in my chest and my head felt a little foggy and I wanted to throw my phone and run and disappear
and then because he knows me he asked me not to freak out about it or pull away from him and god I wanted to but instead I put on a good face along with a nervous smile as my cloak and the rest of the day I had this thing following me around like a balloon tied to my waist and I wanted to turn around to confront it but I also just couldn’t because I’m confused
so
damn
confused
and instead of coping with a little stress I let one stress build upon the other until something fractured and it was me and my demons and now here I sit on the bathroom tiles with a blade to my arm and tears coursing down my cheeks
I’m unworthy
wretched
debased
broken perhaps unfixable
I’m poisonous
dirty
deplorable
abhorrent
I reason with myself and the blade presses in and just a little pain that’s all I need I won’t do a lot and suddenly a voice in my mind and I imagine his response if he were here with me and it’s like
I can see him crouched down looking in my eyes and he’s holding my hand gently pulling the blade from my fingers and he doesn’t care that there’s scarlet self-loathing dripping down or on his hands he’s only got pain shining from his eyes but they almost look like tears and I can’t bear to look nor can I pull my eyes away either
and for once I put the blade away clean and I’m wondering why I couldn’t handle the pain my pain might cause him and I feel more me than I have in a long long time
Oh my dear. Such a life. I hope for you. Just a hope, that’s all
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Thank you. That means the world to me.
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You can do it !!!
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I hope so!
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You can. Don’t think so much. Stay calm.
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I DO tend to overthink things a bit…
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You will be alright.
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I am so grateful that you put the blade away, and that you found a bit more of you that had been buried. I wish you peace – with everything, yourself most of all. Peace . . .
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Thank you. I really appreciate it.
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This was a simply gorgeous piece of writing, and I’m glad you found someone who gives you the strength to put the razor away!
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Thank you for your kind words. What we have remains to be seen but having good friends reaching out really has helped me.
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Fantastic!
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Wow. Thanks T!
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Plus I like the way you say “wretched” 😉
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Erhm… ummm… thanks.
still waiting to hear you read something!! (Hint Hint)
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You read that VERY well!
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uummm… thanks. Was considering removing the spoken part.
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no… don’t do that!
It is very good!
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Okay. Only because you said so. I was competing with the birds this morning LOL
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No the birds sounded awesome in the background. I thought at first you had a backtrack playing, then realized you were outside. It was GREAT!
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I agree, you shouldn’t lose the audio file… this piece is so much better spoken than read.
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Thank you for the vote of confidence ☺️
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oh man do i know those feelings
❤
you are definitely not alone
i cried because i know your pain
& am with you in your struggle.
(also, very beautifully expressed)
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I hate that we have to go through this. But I have to hope that we can come out stronger and better on the other side. I have to hope because that’s all I have at times.
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me too
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Wow. That is all I can say. Wow.
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Okay. Thank you for reading, though.
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I meant I am in awe. Touched. I…have no words. You’d have to see my eyes.
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Yes, okay. I appreciate the comment(s). This post is (mostly) real. Just been rough and this is one of my healthier coping mechanisms (unlike the rage fit I threw or the cutting episode). I’m sure brighter days are coming, if I can just keep holding on and hoping.
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Please do keep holding on and hoping. I try, but it just doesn’t look good for me. I wish I had someone by my side who loves me.
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I totally hear you there. The love of a friend or the love of a lover…. we need that. Completely.
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We do. But he does not want me anymore.
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god. That fucking sucks. I am so sorry! I have no words to say other than that. I wish I did. If I could take your pain away, I truly would. I’d rather it be heaped upon me, a wicked wretch, than upon you. Oh, my heart weeps for you!
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You are not a wicked wretch. It’s ok. Please don’t weep. I’m nothing to weep over. I’m nothing to want or love. I’m alone. Always was, always will be.
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Thing is, that’s how I feel about myself too. Nothing special, nothing worth it. But I do cry. A lot. My heart, it hurts for you because you ARE worth the love, even if a few others don’t recognize it.
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Lots of family and friends recognize it. Men do not. The man I want does not. I’m only to be used.
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I see. I know the feeling of loving someone from afar, so to speak. It sucks. To have all this love to give and it not be acceptable or not returned….. *sigh*
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I don’t know what to say. I’m just devastated. I’m just going to give up.
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On Love?
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On all
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Please don’t. You are important and you matter. Even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
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Please do not worry. I’m nothing to you. It doesn’t just feel that way. It IS that way.
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Believe it or not, we all impact more people than we realize. The results of giving up, in whatever capacity, are farther reaching than you picture in your mind. We MUST keep going, trying, struggling. Even when it seems pointless. We just MUST.
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No. I don’t have to. My kids do better without me. My mom is dead. My other family will mourn for a short while. He never loved me and will probably be relieved to be rid of my pathetic self. So no. It will be fine when I’m gone.
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hhmmmm, I’m truly truly sorry that you feel that way. I disagree with you but I am not you. Please know that you ARE cared for, even if you don’t think you are. I care about you. I’ve read your writings. And your comments. You are a real live beautiful person who is hurting and needs heart healing. I can’t provide those for you, but I can hope for you. I can weep for you. Believe it or not I have noticed when there are absences between seeing you here on WP.
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Please don’t weep for me. It makes me pathetic which I am. I hate pity.
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Again, I’m sorry you feel this way. I have my own feelings of sorrow and sadness and empathy. I will keep them to myself, as you wish, but they are mine to have and mine to give. My tears tonight, I cry for you. And that’s just what I can give.
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I can so relate to this. It is my hell and release. The last time I really hurt myself and suddenly a light went on. I do not need to do this any more. He never judges me and he is willing to simply hold my hands until it passes. I hope you all find your own light so you can leave this behind.
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Some days are better than others
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