Love Rage Fear

something bad happened tonight I was pushed and pushed and pushed the rage built within me more pushing I snapped I let my violence take over I lashed out I screamed I gestured wildly and when that wasn’t enough I raised my hands and rained down pain and the yelling and the crying and the begging and the anger raised to a crescendo while
the eggs
burned
on the stovetop

and when it was all over the tears having been shoved deep inside I stripped off my clothes because I suddenly felt very dirty and I fell to my knees and placed my face in my hands and the bile rose in my throat all this for what

oh vile wretch that I am I can’t look in the mirror who is this bitch before me where did this frenzied fury come from I’ll tell you where no big surprise

someone told me today he loved me as I danced around the truth and it hit me hard and I got scared because I had no idea no fucking clue and of course he knew I loved him too and he was so gentle with me about it but I got scared and as I felt this thing in my chest and my head felt a little foggy and I wanted to throw my phone and run and disappear

and then because he knows me he asked me not to freak out about it or pull away from him and god I wanted to but instead I put on a good face along with a nervous smile as my cloak and the rest of the day I had this thing following me around like a balloon tied to my waist and I wanted to turn around to confront it but I also just couldn’t because I’m confused
so
damn
confused

and instead of coping with a little stress I let one stress build upon the other until something fractured and it was me and my demons and now here I sit on the bathroom tiles with a blade to my arm and tears coursing down my cheeks

I’m unworthy
wretched
debased
broken perhaps unfixable
I’m poisonous
dirty
deplorable
abhorrent

I reason with myself and the blade presses in and just a little pain that’s all I need I won’t do a lot and suddenly a voice in my mind and I imagine his response if he were here with me and it’s like

I can see him crouched down looking in my eyes and he’s holding my hand gently pulling the blade from my fingers and he doesn’t care that there’s scarlet self-loathing dripping down or on his hands he’s only got pain shining from his eyes but they almost look like tears and I can’t bear to look nor can I pull my eyes away either

and for once I put the blade away clean and I’m wondering why I couldn’t handle the pain my pain might cause him and I feel more me than I have in a long long time

49 thoughts on “Love Rage Fear

      1. Yes, okay. I appreciate the comment(s). This post is (mostly) real. Just been rough and this is one of my healthier coping mechanisms (unlike the rage fit I threw or the cutting episode). I’m sure brighter days are coming, if I can just keep holding on and hoping.

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      2. god. That fucking sucks. I am so sorry! I have no words to say other than that. I wish I did. If I could take your pain away, I truly would. I’d rather it be heaped upon me, a wicked wretch, than upon you. Oh, my heart weeps for you!

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      3. Thing is, that’s how I feel about myself too. Nothing special, nothing worth it. But I do cry. A lot. My heart, it hurts for you because you ARE worth the love, even if a few others don’t recognize it.

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      4. Believe it or not, we all impact more people than we realize. The results of giving up, in whatever capacity, are farther reaching than you picture in your mind. We MUST keep going, trying, struggling. Even when it seems pointless. We just MUST.

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      5. No. I don’t have to. My kids do better without me. My mom is dead. My other family will mourn for a short while. He never loved me and will probably be relieved to be rid of my pathetic self. So no. It will be fine when I’m gone.

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      6. hhmmmm, I’m truly truly sorry that you feel that way. I disagree with you but I am not you. Please know that you ARE cared for, even if you don’t think you are. I care about you. I’ve read your writings. And your comments. You are a real live beautiful person who is hurting and needs heart healing. I can’t provide those for you, but I can hope for you. I can weep for you. Believe it or not I have noticed when there are absences between seeing you here on WP.

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      7. Again, I’m sorry you feel this way. I have my own feelings of sorrow and sadness and empathy. I will keep them to myself, as you wish, but they are mine to have and mine to give. My tears tonight, I cry for you. And that’s just what I can give.

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  1. I can so relate to this. It is my hell and release. The last time I really hurt myself and suddenly a light went on. I do not need to do this any more. He never judges me and he is willing to simply hold my hands until it passes. I hope you all find your own light so you can leave this behind.

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