Finding Myself

I have found through living in this vast state that if I allow myself to lose myself, I end up actually finding my true self. Alaska, with its wide vistas; tall mountains; ample beaches and oceanfront landscapes; diverse wildlife; smoking volcanoes; long summer days and dark winter nights; the auroras; spirited folks with a mind for community and generosity; the slower pace. They all add up to incredible and plentiful opportunities for reflection and meditation, if only we let ourselves.

And I do.

When the stress of everyday life creeps in, I only have to step off my front porch and go for a walk. The quiet and solitude surrounds and engulfs me. Consumes me. I release my worries and cares and let peace flow in to my soul once again.

At the beach, I listen to the waves – sometimes gently, sometimes violently – crash on to the land. Over and over. Loudly. Softly. The longer I listen, the doubts and what-ifs in my head are overwhelmed by the sounds of the wind, the gulls and eagles, the sand and gravel rolling across one another like a soothing balm. Scouring out the ick inside my head and replacing with calm. Even if only for a time.

Across my land, I look out in the foreground. I see trees and bushes and grasses on out to the river valley on further to the surrounding hills and further still to the mountains across the bay. Turning slowly, I take in the volcanoes and mountains across the inlet. Blades of grass and fireweed sway in the ever-present winds. The clouds come and go. The sun rises and sets. The moon waxes and wanes. The auroras dance and still. The stars glitter and creep across the night sky. Silence reigns.

Every day the view is the same. Every day the view is different.

The busyness of life slows. The so-called important things dim. My worries don’t seem so big. Creation around me demands attention; demands a response. My roving eyes lust for more. More light. More dark. More of the wind moving through the trees and more of the tides pushing and pulling the ocean waters. The longer I stare out across the land, the longer I want to. The harder it is to pull myself away.

I feel my self, my identity, draining away. I’m losing myself. And yet….the more I relax my grip on my self, the more I seem to find out who I really am. The me I want to be rises to the surface, even for just a moment. The things, the checklists, the attitudes, the responsibilities; they aren’t so important right now. In this moment, it’s just me and this great expanse of land.

I’m so thankful. So incredibly grateful, that I get to be here. Living off-the-grid in rural Alaska is helping me lose myself and find myself all over again. I am able to breathe deep without anxiety and re-evaluate who I truly am once again.


©️tara caribou – 2016

33 thoughts on “Finding Myself

  1. it’s nice being thankful for what we have. It helps us to get through the less than thankful periods, which we all know will turn up, sooner or later. I envy your solitude, but know myself that alone doesn’t always a complete person make. I cherish the memory of the great outdoors, even though I am now living in the city wilds of Denmark. Another nice post from your “early days”.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t like this one again, unless I unlike it, then like it, I suppose. There really should be a re-liking button, or a “I’m considering liking this again, but I am rather fickle” button, but there never is, is there? There are just too few options in this life…..

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Another metaphor? My buttons and your buttons seem to be two different things. I want to re-push them, while you might be satisfied with someone pushing them at the right time, at the right tempo, and repeatedly I might add, or have I misread your comment, again,again?

        Liked by 2 people

  3. When I was very young as a child, my imagination took me hostage. My thoughts became its thoughts, which meant that I had nothing left of my own thoughts anymore. Today, I rely on the thoughts of others, showing me what I’d lost and what I’d found. That is how I came to read your blog, making your thoughts, my thoughts, but not all of them when they turn kinky in public spaces. Then I think, my thoughts aren’t my own again….

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Someday, perhaps. We could meet on a corner of my imagination. It will be well lit, showing you where my hands are at all times. We could smoke someone’s non-lightable cigarette together, while we talk about all of those good times, we’ve never had together….

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Just a suggestion, perhaps you could click some pictures to share with this lovely writeup?
    Because some of your posts make me increasingly curious about rural Alaska haha.
    And btw, this was very well written, as always ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, I don’t have TV and I’ve never seen any of the reality shows (although I’m told there are a lot of them here in Alaska). It’s a beautiful place. Maybe no more than any other place I’ve seen, but it’s good enough for me. On a side note, I know quite a few people from two of the shows. Small-ish world. Actually grew up next door to one of them. Played with him in our great outdoors when we were kids. Ha!

      Like

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