So I’m dogsitting/housesitting right now while my friends are on vacation. About midnight and the dogs start acting weird. I’m annoyed because I want them to be sleeping. I’m laying in bed, relaxing but not asleep yet. Ugh. Leave me alone, fucking dogs. This is why I don’t have any pets. They’re whining. Wanting on my bed. Doing laps in the house. Click-click-click nails on the hard floors. God.
Yeah, so 12:30 rolls around and I start hearing cracking and popping. My bed is shaking. I sit up. Earthquake. I start the stopwatch on my phone. I’m ready to run outside, if needed. It’s just going and going and going. I time it to two full minutes. It was big. And that’s really long. The houseplants are shaking. The house is making noise. The dogs are staring at me.
Earthquakes are typical here in Alaska. Like super typical in the area I live. But not of this magnitude. I look at the USGS webpage. 8.2 about, oh, 220-ish miles south of here. Shallow. Which means possible tsunami. I’m not worried. They always get down-graded once more info comes in. (Sure enough, tsunami warnings canceled and down to a 7.9.)
But this isn’t about earthquakes… it’s about what it got me thinking about. The fragility and uncertainty of life. Am I making a difference? Have I touched the hearts of even twenty people? Made them think? Changed their lives for the better? Would it even matter if I wasn’t here? Certainly it would affect a couple people (and the dogs), my passing. Or what if I stopped writing today? Would anyone think a week or two down the road… gee, I wonder where she went?
I shudder to think of the answers to those questions.
I need to strive to be the very best that I can be every single day. Because I really don’t know when my time will be up. I need to be honest. I need to be true. I need to be someone worthy of my friendship or my love. I can’t just pine away for positive human interaction, I need to be worth the time and energy and effort it takes to put into a relationship. I think maybe I was thinking I was… but recent developments with a friend I think I lost have got me thinking deeper.
If I’m not providing “something” to the relationship, it’s not going to go anywhere. I can’t just take take take. I need to give. I mean, I try. But not enough. Perhaps I go into every relationship certain that it will fail, that it’s doomed from the start. I mean, that’s all I’ve know. Failure. Wrong decisions. Or maybe, I just haven’t been worth their time and effort. What am I bringing to the table? Am I empty-handed, with nothing of value to offer? Perhaps.
I need to think about this some more. Because in the end, I want to make an impact, leave my mark, make a difference. Not to hundreds or thousands. But a handful of people would make my life feel, mmmm, worthwhile.
We Survived and Arrived - Now as Warriors We Thrive
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a collection of short poetry from an autistic mind
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The Lies in the Skies Exposed
"When I am writing, I am trying to find out who I am..." --Maya Angelou
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